The Sensualist Articles

Asking For It


I’ve noticed something that I could talk about for days but will instead share a story.


My body likes a variety of touches and there is no telling what I will like or when. I am fortunate enough to have a lover that REALLY genuinely enthusiastically enjoys touching me in ways that produce pleasure and arousal.  So this one time, when sexually engaged, I realized that a very specific touch felt very good.  It lasted only a moment, a gentle brushing of the outer labia. It was heaven and the thought that came to mind so briefly that I almost did not recognize it was that I wish I could feel that touch all day.  This was a fraction of a second, an almost imperceptible flash. Logically, I knew that after a few minutes it would reach the point of diminishing returns and need to change but at that moment that is how I felt.  My partner was just doing his thing, touching me in ways he knows arouses me but I didn’t want those touches, I just wanted that silky graze.


This is the moment that so many people struggle with, that so many people miss. 


 I would like to help you navigate this moment keeping the following points in mind.


First of all, be aware enough to REALIZE the desire for something specific.  The sensation can happen quickly, and being able to formulate thoughts around it, and then change those thoughts into words takes practice and self-awareness.  Being caught in a circular pattern of thoughts, distractions, and anxieties will guarantee that you will miss it. 


No lover is a mind reader and “hope and hints”  will never ever create the lover of your dreams out of someone who is willing. 


Second, having the vulnerability to ask for it, knowing that it may or may not be given is very important. Lots of people shut down because a request that felt vulnerable was not received or acted upon. What I’ve noticed, is that what seems clear and obvious to us, is often not clear and obvious to a partner, even when we think it should be. Be vulnerable enough to ask, and to explain clearly what you need and how you need it if it is something your lover does not know how to do. 


Third, the communication dynamic permits your lover to not feel like you’re micromanaging his or her touch.  And I suggest many discussions about this to help both of you through what can be a difficult dynamic depending on triggers. One of the most degrading things I heard from a man, was that he did not want to do things that aroused me (versus treating my body and doing stuff that got him off) because it made him feel like he was being micro-managed sexually.   There is a time and a place for bulldozing or ploughing your way through a fuck fest,  but let's be honest, if a woman is going to want more it’s got to be pleasurable for her too. In that circumstance, there was no second chance. In marriages, that kind of attitude turns desire into disgust. 


So what happened?   Well, I said hey that feels amazing and I would like a lot more of that, and I got it. Later, in a conversation, I admitted that I had the thought that I just wanted to lie there for ages feeling that one very specific sensation. My partner requested that I tell him when that kind of thing comes up and I said okay,  it was interesting that it was so hard to even recognize and act on,  even for me. 


In exploratory bodywork sessions (not strictly pleasure ones), I do not let people get away with unexpressed desires.  In fact, I “ruin the mood”   by insisting that they step out of their comfort zone and describe what it is they want to feel.  What feels better?  How can this be even better? 


The take-home:    With sexuality in long-term relationships shitty sex does not have the luxury of riding the wave of new relationship energy and desire.  Sex has to be good, there needs to be honesty in communication, and self-awareness and yes, an honest desire for the other to experience pleasure.  You need to care about your partner’s pleasure, not just your own gratification. I've written this from the female perspective, but find that men have trouble speaking up as well. Talk guys, and if you can’t talk to each other, talk to me and I can help you relate in ways that others can hear.


If sexual communication is something you and your partner need to learn how to do, I teach this practically in my Salons, so that you two can leave feeling confident and competent in your ability to not only recognize but ask for what you want - as well as graciously receive, discover and act on your partner's requests with accuracy.


Looking for more agency?  See "Permission Slips For Pleasure" to give yourself permission for all the pleasures. 

Want to be better at knowing what your body is asking for? Check out  "The Body's Whispers"