When you think of sexual confidence with regard to women, what is it that comes to mind?
Close your eyes for a moment, think “sexual confidence” and notice what images come to mind, notice how you compare yourself to those concepts of what sexually confident means.
A lot of people think that in order to have sexual confidence, you must be “sexy,” and by sexy they mean conventionally attractive from the standpoint of what is broadcasted across our media. A woman of certain proportions, unblemished, an impossible combination of looks and youth with virginal innocence and porn star performance in the bedroom. A good girl on the outside and a slut in the bedroom who performs as the perfect canvas for her man’s fantasies. A shallow and unsustainable concept at best, destructive and inhibiting as well.
Is it about knowing how to behave in a manner that arouses the desires of men (or other women)?
Is it about taking strip tease classes, blow job classes, lingerie, getting breast implants, liposuction, vaginal rejuvenation surgery, HgH injections lip implants, and going into debt to try (and I say try) to recapture the silhouettes of fertile youth?
Whose rules have you been expertly playing by in order to maintain your habit of being not sexually confident? Your mother’s? Your father’s? Your Church’s? Is it the hundreds of thousands of advertisements that are carefully designed to create a feeling of inadequacy so that you purchase something to ease that pain?
Your sexuality is an infinitely vast and rich landscape to cultivate, explore, take pleasure in, discover, feel good about, and adore. If you have feelings of insecurities and believe that you cannot be sexually confident…. You have taken on a story about female sexuality that IS NOT TRUE and are holding that story up next to yours, comparing yourself to it and saying because I am not this, I am not okay.
I have seen beautiful powerful women with incredible confidence and accomplishments in many areas of life resign themselves to feeling flawed, disgusting, used up, and unsexy because their husbands are playing a script in which they fall short of his expectations and believe that his inability to appreciate is somehow their fault.
Understand that the media’s portrayal of sexuality is smoke and mirrors, it is shallow entertainment and an illusion. It is not real. Discover what is real. Release the old belief systems that hold you, you will likely need some assistance to do this from a professional... or by doing your homework.
Your POWER comes from tuning into your erotic energy and discovering what turns you on, what feels good to your body, what is erotic to your mind, and actualizing your erotic potential: from deep primal sexuality to heart connected tantric loving to spiritual ecstasy. They’re different, it is a rich landscape to discover and cultivate. Things grow where attention goes. It is not in minimizing your erotic potential in favour of creating an illusion of sexiness that shallowly flutters your partner's mating urges. It is not about minimizing your own sexuality in order to ease his anxieties or insecurities.
Cultivate the ability to be present during sex, be here NOW. Being present in the moment is the key to being engaged, and being engaged is the opposite of feeling insecure, anxious, or unworthy.
Realize that if you can engage fully, consistently, time after time, your engagements will give you the repeated experience to know that it does not matter what the situation.. Sexually it can and will be perfect exactly as it unfolds, and you can look forward with anticipation to the discovery of what pleasure there is to be found each and every time.
You do not have to think you are "all that" in order to have sexual confidence. It's in our best interest to take care of our health and to feel as physically attractive as we want to. But honestly, dressing up in clothes that cause pain and distort your image, and trying to be beautiful has NOTHING to do with sexual confidence. If you want to be erotically compelling (not the same as being conventionally attractive) help your lover tune into your erotic energy and help him/her build it to levels that blow his mind as well as yours.
In Shakespeare's play, Antony and Cleopatra, a friend of Mark Antony says about Cleopatra's allure, "Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety", meaning it's not so much because of her beauty as because of her fascinating unpredictability and range of moods. Out of context or not, the depth of erotic appreciation permits us to wipe away superficial insecurities and tap into what counts. Tune in to your innate sexual goddess self.
Knowledge and experience help. An understanding of sexuality is wonderful and enhances the experience of pleasure that you are capable of creating for yourself and your partner. Competence leads to confidence! However, it’s not necessary that you know everything first, the attitude of curiosity, deservingness, presence, and engagement gives you everything you need to know to have that sense of sexual confidence.
Need some help? I offer sessions for women in person and online.
From cultivating specifically the part of you that is an embodied sex goddess to discovering what your body likes and learning to communicate it clearly to a partner, to hands-on instruction in how to play a man’s body like a finely tuned musical instrument and take joy in that experience.
Give yourself Permission for Pleasure