The Sensualist Articles

Sexual Priming -- and rejection



If you’re noticing high levels of “rejection” when you initiate sex, or you have a lot of anxiety and overthink initiating sex,  consider your approach. 


Chances are, you have been setting your own stage for desire and arousal for quite some time in advance.  It was not 0→10 in an instant.. You were thinking and fantasizing and wanting beforehand, in essence, preparing yourself with mental and maybe even physical foreplay. 


Your partner may be at zero, and not privy to all of this preparation!  So, when out of the blue, you say “do you want sex” or you try to touch them, the literal answer at that moment might be no. 


Also, asking passive aggressive questions to try to figure out whether they’re receptive will usually annoy and turn off a partner rather than invite them to play. Testing the waters and asking indirect questions will provoke an irritation response, no one likes to be manipulated or to answer questions which might be leading to something undesirable!  “Is your back hurting this evening?”   as a way to gauge their receptivity, when back pain has been a reason to not be in the mood is extremely annoying.  You’re not asking about their back, you’re trying to figure out if you will get laid, and they know it. Say that you would love to connect with them, and ask if later on you two can do what they need to relax and feel good, maybe it leads to sexual pleasure, maybe it leads to sensual snuggling and a back rub, which is not a bad option. 


People who have not been dwelling on sex, fantasizing, and mentally preparing themselves to get it on are way more likely to be agreeable to sex if they are primed. 


“What is Priming? Priming, or, the Priming Effect, occurs when an individual's exposure to a certain stimulus influences his or her response to a subsequent stimulus, without any awareness of the connection. These stimuli are often related to words or images that people see during their day-to-day lives.”  from


Bottom line?  If you want more yesses, or to feel more confident initiating sex, then learn about priming. Spend less time in your own head priming yourself, and more energy priming your partner. 


If you find yourself with low desire and wish to increase your libido and desire, and readiness or agreeability to have sex, then deliberate self priming would be a good idea. Self priming means to deliberate cultivate your sensual and sexual energy and to get yourself in the mood!  This kind of thing often happens by default when we're young and have hormones pumping through our systems and relatively low responsibilities.  It also happens when we are in a new relationship, and benefiting from the chemical effects of NRE (new relationship energy). 


Check out these erotic audios for easy ways to feel more sensual