Trust is the foundation on which a satisfying sexual relationship is built



Sex and orgasms can be had without it, but the juicer and more electrifying elements of an erotic relationship such as deep surrender into ecstasy, the dropping of defenses and full witnessing of each other, the uninhibited expression of sexual desire, pleasure, and arousal, the free-flowing dynamic loop of energy, of give and take happens within a context of trust.  Otherwise, we’re simply masturbating on each other from within our guarded little bubbles in a dynamic of carefully meted out give and get. 


When people think about trust and the role it plays, they are often considering things like:  Do I trust that my partner is sexually faithful, do I trust that they love me, do I trust that they are not going to hurt me, can I trust them not to give me an STI. 

When I talk about trust in a sexual relationship, the very first element of trust that you can have in a sexual relationship is the trust you have in yourself. There is no way for a partner to provide a safe enough container for you to overcome the ways that you betray yourself, and them, sexually.  


Part 1: You need to trust in yourself first.  To know that you YOU have the ability to have, and express sexual boundaries, preferences, and desires and to share that with a partner in real time.  


Do you trust yourself? Do you trust that you are not going to simply go along with what a partner guesses will be good for both of you, and be a passenger along for the ride instead of an active participant in a joyful co-creation of sexual bliss? 


Do you trust that in any given moment, you are making choices, instead of simply being served up what someone else is giving you? 


Yes, a partner should have the ability to attune to your body’s responses, the ability to “read”  what their lover’s body is saying, and respond to that. This is a learnable skill and a very important one.  However, If you want to take your sexual relationship(s) to a higher level, there needs to be a reciprocal level of trust that allows both of you to open fully to giving and receiving to each other. 


You cannot trust your partner until you can trust yourself first.  There needs to be a grounded authentic sense of self-awareness, and self-expression, unless you are expecting your partner to be the parent or be a therapist, or otherwise carry you in the sexual dynamic. 


Your partner needs to have that trust in you as well.  In order for a partner to pleasure you, they need to know that you are capable of and willing to communicate freely with them.  To share what you are experiencing, in real-time. To let them know what is wanted and unwanted, to help them please you. 


They need to know that you have the ability to recognize, acknowledge and express what is going on.  I have not met a single healthy person who is interested in their lover keeping quiet and “going along”  with things versus truly actively participating with enthusiasm, pleasure, and joy. 


They need to know that if they are going to express their own enthusiasm, passion, and unbridled arousal that you are going to look out for your own ecology and for example, not allow them to hurt you if they get passionate.  Not allow them to do things that are going to upset you later, and you will be an advocate for yourself.  I will expand on this in the next paragraph. 


Part 2: Trusting your partner means that you can relinquish the role of caretaker, monitor and manager -- which is a decidedly unsexy role -- and access genuine uninhibited sexual pleasure and ecstasy.  This goes both ways.   


In order for most people to let go and experience full-on unbridled pleasure, we need to release the feeling that we have to be on guard, caretaking, and protecting our partner.    


For example, receiving oral sex is a delight.  However, most people -- regardless of gender -- cannot relax into the bliss of pure receiving ecstasy if they are worried about their partner.  Worried about things like:  Do they like it? Do they want to be doing it? Does it smell good?  Are they comfortable or getting a crick in their neck?  Are they bored?   Is it taking too long?   Can s/he breathe?  Are my thighs crushing and suffocating him? 


In order to fully let go and “go there”  I have to know that my partner is going to look after himself so that I do not have to look after him.  When I trust that he does that, I am free to experience everything and surrender fully.   And vice versa.  


A tremendous amount of sexual inhibition is simply a lack of trust, either in ourselves or in the other person.  If you trust that your lover has the capacity of a fully functioning adult to:  


  • Say yes enthusiastically, unreservedly
  • Say no, or change what is happening 
  • That they are into what they are doing
  • That they want to be there, participating
  • That they are not hurting themselves, compromising themselves, and participating with their own volition
  • That they are able to engage and resolve/communicate any issues that may prevent intimacy and engagement instead of hiding them and hiding behind the walls that unresolved issues create


Then you can fully trust and let go and stop controlling, micromanaging, and inhibiting and be free to flow together in ecstasy.


So, where could you develop more trust?