The Sensualist Articles

Is Female Sexuality Narcissistic?



It has been said that female sexuality is narcissistic, in that the pinnacle of the female experience is to be desired. It’s not that we place any value on desiring another, but that above all things, we desire to be the object of desire. Particularly from men who have status. (Whatever that means.)


So, women work hard to be desirable, to look beautiful, to be sexy, exotic, and palatable, and not to burden others with desires of their own except “to be wanted.” Ultimately achieving fulfillment though being hotly desired, pursued, chased, “taken” and claimed by one who was so overcome by his lust that he has no choice but to take us.


And yet, curiously, even among the most “desirable” of women, having difficulty “orgasming with a partner” is so common as to have been normalized. Sometimes women will report that they are numb, disassociated, and having trouble getting aroused. Or that their bodies are “broken” since their body is not responding orgasmically to all that desire being directed at it. Low libido, anorgasmia, and pain during sex is all common. What is going on?


Many women have abandoned or neglected their own sexuality in favour of cultivating their image. There has been so much emphasis on being beautiful or being “sexy” that it went unnoticed that this did not equate to actually being sexual, sensual, or enjoying sex. Sexuality was ignored in favour of the appearance of being sexy, in order to incite desire.


I ask, what’s the point of making someone else want sex with you if you are not going to enjoy it at least as much as they will?

​I propose that valuing “being desired” above all other things, including one's own desires and pleasures is just conditioning versus an inherent truth. Also, there is a full spectrum of sexual desires and requirements that come with being female, not just being sexually desired.


Like many things, the idea that being desired is the ultimate need reduces female sexuality to something shallow, insecure, comfortable, and easy to digest and it fails to take into consideration the full spectrum of her humanness. There is far more to female sexuality than being an object of desire, looking past “being desirable” into what we truly desire, what sparks our desire, and to WHAT ACTUALLY FEELS GOOD is at least as important — if not more so.


The experience of “low desire” in women often because we have not learned to view sex through the lens of our own desire, and instead have been told we must wait to be desired hotly enough and perfect enough to gain access to our own sexuality, as if it only exists through the lens of the male gaze. We have not given ourselves permission to access, cultivate, feed and nourish our own desire, and with that our sexual agency.


Everyone knows it feels good to be desired. But it is equally delicious to experience your own desire, through your own eyes, through your own wants and preferences, instead of giving away your agency by passively waiting for someone else to give you permission.

So, my question to you is — what ELSE do you want, besides validation?


Look past the passivity of being an object of desire and ask yourself what is a real turn-on for you. Make a list! Sometimes if you’ve never explored your desires they can be small and weak and take playing with your mind and imagination to develop. Seek out some reading or visual material to explore these things, or bring them up to your partner.


I would love to know what you discover.