The Sensualist Articles

It Felt Like My Vagina Was 15 Feet Away


Here’s a story that exemplifies how even an innocent off-hand joke can land in the body and cause lasting effects. Most of us are well aware that trauma and abuse can leave their imprint on the body, but even offhand things that seem like they are unimportant can as well. If there is anything that I have learned from 17 years of examining sexual dysfunction, it's that emotions show up in the body. For men, it’s often physically demonstrated as erectile dysfunction, for women, anorgasmia or a lack of arousal. For both, a tendency for attention to remain “in the mind” with racing thoughts instead of in the body, enjoying what is going on.


Now in my case, I was having a mini-debate with my partner over whether I should be using my cleavage as clickbait on my TikTok account. It was a playful argument but he made a comment that landed unpleasantly with me.


He did not say anything about me personally, but I felt like I was being body shamed. As I sat with the feeling it expanded into other subjects and I could feel myself just close down and wanting to cocoon. Wanting to cover up, to protect my body and my heart. To be clear, my partner would never ever body shame me or any other woman, it’s just not in his makeup, and he’d rather cut off his own arm than hurt me.. So this was really an unintended incident and the response was all on me.


The next day we talked about it, misunderstandings were smoothed out and life went on.


But something really interesting happened. My body kept score. My mind had moved on, after all it was an innocent little comment from someone who loves me and thinks the world of me and I knew that!


But the next time we made love, 80% of my body was unresponsive.

Normally, I call my lover “my unicorn” not just because of our physical chemistry, but because of his magical ability to create the wildest ecstatic experiences I’ve ever had, far beyond anything even I thought I was capable of. And as The Sensualist, you can imagine that the bar is set pretty high.


I could feel sensations, but every time he touched my chest I would stop feeling, and my mind would start racing a mile a minute. I started to avoid any contact with my upper body.


He could feel the difference in me, I could feel that he could feel. It was the weirdest sensation in the world…. My unicorn lover was going down on me like a champ but it felt like my vagina was on the other side of the room 15 feet away and I just couldn’t connect with my body. The sensations were pleasant but it just wasn’t really arousing. Not the way I was used to!

During a cuddle break, we talked about it, and I described what was happening. And since this is my real-life job, I also had a solution to heal the body’s disconnect.


It barely took ten minutes for the healing to kick in. If you can imagine the way watercolour paint would drop onto a paper and spread when we focused on activating my body again I could feel the sensation and energy spread exactly like that from my nipples through my breasts and then the rest of my torso to join my genitals. The body lit up and integrated and I was back – experiencing full spectrum arousal the way that I am accustomed to. If you’d like the exact exercise we did together to integrate my body again, it's available right here, free.