The Sensualist Articles

What Kind Of Woman Gets Professional Erotic Massage?


Self-care is associated with valuing one’s self.  We all know men and women who do nothing for themselves and spend life seeking validation through self-deprivation, self-neglect and caring for others.  On the contrary, there is a healthy level of self-care that does not necessarily have to be expensive but involves effort, nurture, and upkeep of one’s own mental and emotional health,  physical health, and appearance.  This includes personal grooming: hair, clothes make-up, skin, nails, and yes, sexuality. Sexuality is an integral part of an adult’s total makeup, when it is neglected then a piece is missing.  


Society and women make a lot of judgments about why men will seek out sensual or erotic massage. Part of this is simply ignorance over what a massage entails, and why people are seeking it.  I can categorize these men  (with authority) into three general groups.  


The first is what people imagine:  Men are inherently sexual and simply want to get their rocks off. Yes, this exists, and these men generally seek out the cheapest or flashiest way to do this, it’s the sleazy underground.  It’s the compulsive, the sex addicts, and the pornography of the industry.


Men who are seeking connection.  For them, touch is intimate, fulfilling, and a basic human need and for one reason or another, it is not being met in their lives.  They do not know where else to turn when cheating or having an affair is not an option.  Desperation and plummeted self-esteem often come into play here and there is a deep sadness and pain at the lack of intimate touch and connection in their lives. Whether it is a chronically single male, or a male whose spouse has ended or severely limited physical relations.  There is a lack of understanding of how fundamentally important human touch and connection are to a person’s well-being.  Babies who are not held “fail to thrive” and will even die.  Adults are no different.


Men who are experiencing sexual difficulties are looking for advice and healing from someone who has experience and knowledge of men’s bodies and sexuality. Providers are seen as a “safe”  place to air sexual concerns, they are removed from the client personally and do not have reactive emotions or hurt feelings about his problem the way a female partner often does.  Coming to terms with and seeking help for a sexual problem is incredibly difficult for a male, whose identity, ego, and self-esteem are highly tied to his masculine and sexual self-image.  Validation can play a part in this:  Validation from a provider.


Women’s sexuality is now receiving the attention it deserves, as women are less likely to settle for an unsatisfying, painful or unpleasant sex life than they were 50-70 years ago. As women come into awareness of the extraordinary potential of their sexuality, a hunger is being awakened. It is not enough, emotionally, or physically to fake orgasms, and then lock oneself in the bathroom with a vibrator. 


Here are some kinds of women who seek out and get a sensual massage:  in no particular order. The important thing to understand is that in receiving sensual bodywork, a woman is not paying for an orgasm, she is paying for a service which is ultimately an enormous act of self-care and personal growth.


Out of a relationship (or at a turning point within a relationship) and on a path of self-discovery and healing.  Bodywork and focused attention is incredibly healing.  Women have often had the experience of their pleasure being used to gratify a man's ego, to turn him on or otherwise make him happy in some way. Their pleasure is not their own in that situation.  With sensual massage, the purpose is to explore and experience the mind-body connection. There is no right or wrong way to respond, there is no right or wrong way to look or feel. The intent is relaxation, safety, and sinking into the sensation of pleasure with the practitioner's hands and energy as facilitators to discover and experience oneself.  No more, no less.


Body image issues interfere with experiencing sensual pleasure. Many women are unable to permit their bodies to be pleasured because they feel they are not: young, beautiful, skinny, sexy, etc. enough to deserve that loving adoration.  What they do not understand is that their bodies are made for pleasure, and that pleasure has nothing to do with their physical appearance.  Having a running commentary of self-critical comments about one’s body is one of the best ways to destroy pleasure and intimate relating. 


A woman with poor body esteem will close herself to her partner and not allow herself to be pleasured.  She will not engage in activities that she deems herself “not attractive enough” to do:   lingerie, yoga, beach or bathing suit activities, even dancing or going out to certain events,  signing up for teams or group activities. 


Healing sensual bodywork can and does change that.  Women who receive physical adoration through bodywork will find themselves loving their own skin and starting to engage in other activities which express self-respect and love, this spills over into relationships and working life.


No ability to orgasm or receive pleasure at another’s touch.  This can be tied to the above.  Many women find it very difficult to let go and experience orgasm during partner sex, the two common reasons are that they are unable to receive attention, be present, and express their sexual needs and another is that they have trained themselves to orgasm in one specific way and cannot do it any other.  Sensual bodywork is a safe environment to expand the body’s capacity for pleasure and open up orgasmic capabilities.  It is an incredibly beautiful experience when a woman surrenders to her own arousal and sexual response and increases her orgasmic capacity.  


Women who want to discover their own bodies and learn how to communicate their needs to their partner.  It is rare to find a woman who knows her body inside out and is able to communicate those ever-changing needs to a partner effectively.  Often we inhibit communication about our needs, not wanting to appear demanding, or weird, or to hurt a man’s ego when what he is doing is not what we want.   Many women (and men) do not have the luxury of a patient and knowledgeable lover who knows how to take the time to safely explore and discover their bodies with positive methods of communicating sexual needs.  As an aside, time and time again men report that the best lovers they have ever experienced were women who were self-aware and able to communicate what they need to be pleasured,  rather than women who put on an act, we're focused on appearance or “trying to please.”   It is an interesting reversal of popular, and pornographic perceptions.


Finally, there are women who have touch as one of their primary love languages. To be touched with care and attentiveness and be given pleasure is an act of self-love. No one would blink an eye if a woman spent money on a haircut, a new outfit, or something to please the eyes of others.  An erotic massage is an act of pure self-care, a gift that is given to her by her. Probably the most important reason of all. 


To summarize, women who seek out sensual massage run the gamut of ages and socio-economic backgrounds, however, the common ground is that they are proactive when it comes to self-growth.  They desire more for themselves, more for their relationships, and have taken responsibility for their own pleasure. They are not passive victims, waiting for a fantasy white knight to save them, or bitterly eschewing men and sex due to past negative experiences. They are passionate seekers of more who understand that pleasure is as much the responsibility of the receiver as it is for the giver.