When Body Parts Don't Work
I had a conversation with someone, discussing some men we knew who had been perpetually single, and the erroneous attributes ascribed to them.
In several instances, I clarified the reasons for the man’s choice to remain unpartnered.
One man, in particular, had received a significant injury as a teenager which had devastated his genital area. As a health professional and sex educator, I understand what those injuries would have done to urogenital function long term. I could not help but wonder if that damage was the reason that this man had never once pursued an intimate relationship in his life, despite having normal attractiveness and a good stable career.
There is a special kind of shame that surrounds “dysfunction” or injury to genitals and a commonly held feeling that it makes you “less of a man” or “not a real woman.”
I’d like to reframe this and remind anyone who is not fully satisfied with the “performance” of their genitals, that our body is here to serve us and our intentions and purposes. It CAN serve us beautifully and effectively if we allow it. What matters here is not a pigeonholed specific performance of the genitals, but that they can be used to do what we need them to.
For example: imagine that your intention is to get to the grocery store, collect 5 items, and bring them home in order to feed your family. You can do this on foot (no vehicle) you can do on a bicycle, on a horse, in a Porsche, or a pickup truck, you can do it in a VW minibus, or walking with a cart behind you. You can send someone else to the store but that is getting complicated. They all function differently, they all do the fucking job.
How does one make the most of riding a bicycle? By enjoying the wonderful features of bike riding, not by spending all of your mental attention lamenting and complaining that you are not in a Porsche.
Your genitals have a survival function, we need to eliminate waste from them.
They have a procreative function but when it comes to sex, we’re not talking about procreative sex here.
They have the ability, along with the rest of the body, to be utilized in a way that connects with a loved one and cultivates pleasure, trust, intimacy, and joy. THAT is the intention here, the cultivation of pleasure, trust, intimacy, and joy through exploration and sensation. Exploring together in a way that is psychologically interesting, satisfying, enjoyable, fun, erotic, and so on. You can do that with every configuration or setup of a body that you could possibly think of, no matter what the damage or injury.
What about nerve damage and paralysis? Well, that was the complicated part I’m talking about when you get into hypnotic and energetic phenomena, and is outside of the scope of this article.
My point is, your body (with its limitations, age, weight, injury, dysfunction, and appearance) is not the cock block to your pleasure and erotic exploration. Your attitudes are the block. The emotional and creative blocks you have to allow your body to fulfill the purpose: cultivation of pleasure, trust, intimacy, and joy through exploration and sensation.
Maybe it’s time you let go of that.
If you need help with that, get in touch. I work privately with people hands-on, or by distance.